When They Just Don’t Get It: Managing Frustration and Coaching with Empathy
You’ve been there.
You gave the direction.
You explained it twice.
You even showed them step by step.
And still… they just don’t get it.
It’s one of the most frustrating moments as a youth development professional, especially when you're trying to lead young staff or volunteers. You care deeply about the work. You know the impact it has on kids. And when it feels like your team isn’t picking it up—or worse, isn’t trying—it’s easy to let frustration bubble up.
But here’s the truth: how you respond in that moment will either build trust or break it. And the choice to coach with empathy rather than frustration is where real leadership begins.
You're a Mentor: In youth development, you’re not just managing people. You’re growing them. You’re helping staff, often between the ages of 16 and 25, learn how to show up, lead others, and serve with purpose—sometimes for the first time. So when a staff member doesn’t understand a task, or struggles to carry it out, it’s not just about the task. It’s about teaching a way of thinking, communicating, and caring.
That takes patience. And it takes empathy. Empathy doesn’t mean lowering expectations. It means seeing the person behind the mistake, and helping them rise to the challenge with support, not shame.
Before you chalk it up to laziness or carelessness, pause. There are so many reasons why someone might be struggling to “get it”:
They’re overwhelmed and afraid to ask for help.
They have a learning style different from your teaching style.
They’ve never had a job that expected this level of responsibility.
They’re used to failure and are waiting for you to give up on them.
They’re managing personal challenges you can’t see.
Your job isn’t to solve all of these. But it is your job to create a space where they feel safe to grow.
Start with the Pause. When you feel the frustration rise—pause. Take a breath. Step back. Reset. That pause gives you space to ask the most important question: “What’s really going on here?” Not just What did they do wrong? but Why might this be happening?
Sometimes that moment of empathy is all it takes to shift the whole situation. Correction tells someone what they did wrong. Coaching shows them how to do it better.
When someone doesn’t get it, lean into curiosity. Ask questions like:
“Can you walk me through what you understood about the task?”
“What part of this felt unclear or challenging?”
“How do you learn best—watching, doing, writing it out?”
You're not just troubleshooting the task. You’re helping them build skills that last far beyond this job.
Let’s get practical. Here are four actions you can take today to manage frustration with empathy:
1. Name the Frustration to Yourself—Not to Them: You’re allowed to feel frustrated. Say it internally: “I’m feeling frustrated because this matters to me.” Then shift to: “What can I do to help them succeed?”
2. Use a Coaching Sandwich: Lead with something positive (“I appreciate that you stepped up”), address the issue clearly (“This part needs work”), and end with belief in them (“I know you can do this with some support”).
3. Make Learning Visual or Kinesthetic: If they aren’t “getting it” through explanation, try a different approach. Show them visually, walk through it together, or let them teach it back to you to reinforce understanding.
4. Debrief in Private, Not in the Moment: Avoid calling out a staff member in front of others. Instead, say, “Let’s check in after this,” then use that space for a calm, private conversation where growth can happen without shame.
Let’s be honest—this job is hard. You’re juggling kids, families, programs, and staff who are still figuring it out. But every time you choose empathy over anger, curiosity over judgment, coaching over correcting, you’re building something bigger.
You’re building a culture. A culture where people can fail, learn, grow, and show up better the next time. And isn’t that exactly what we want our young people to experience?
When they see you take a breath instead of snapping…
When they hear you say, “Let’s try this together” instead of “I already told you…”
When they feel supported instead of shamed…